No Way Back
by syriala
Summary: Sam has to push through his personal mess to be of any help in this mission. But when he comes home and Rhodey is waiting for him, there is no way to avoid what had happened with Tony. Plays directly after Not Good Enough


This is the continuation of the divorce fic 'Not Good Enough' so many of you asked for. It was supposed to be a short interlude to allow Rhodey to express some rage, but it's almost the same length as part one.

* * *

Sam knew he should be doing things, should go back to the team and their training, but after Tony left he was just blindly staring at the table in front of him.

He had worried about their relationship, of course he had, there was so much that put a strain to it these days, but he really hadn't expected that.

Divorce. After almost 15 years of being married.

Sam groaned and dropped his head on the table. This couldn't be happening.

He didn't know how long he sat like this, numb to everything, before Steve poked his head through the door.

"We have a situation," he said and then stopped when he saw Sam. "You alright?" he asked. "Everything okay?"

Sam closed his eyes before he took a deep breath and pushed himself off the table.

"Sure," he said, voice strangely thin and wavering. Given by the worried glance Steve shot him, this wouldn't do at all. "I'm fine, Steve," Sam declared and was glad when his voice was stronger.

Time to compartmentalize.

Steve thankfully let the issue drop and instead rattled the specifics of this mission off. Rumlow again. Sam was delighted. Maybe he would get to punch something.

He mechanically got through the motions of gearing up, occupying himself with the thought of the oncoming mission and that was the only reason he was able to function right now.

When he approached the jet, that was a little bit harder to do.

"Let's go," Steve said as soon as Sam had set a foot on the jet, and Sam frowned.

"Are we not waiting for Rhodes?" he asked and Steve shook his head.

"He said he couldn't leave right now. Some family issue, I think?"

Sam's stomach dropped out at that. Of course. Tony was family and given by what just happened Rhodes wouldn't leave his side right now.

"I hope everything is alright," Sam said stone-faced and quickly got onto the jet, out of Steve's sight. He would not be explaining why he was suddenly shaking or obviously unwell.

Sam forcibly got himself together and somehow managed to push through. The mission took longer than expected; they didn't find Rumlow immediately where they thought and so several days passed before they caught up to him. Sam finally got to punch some people and even though the mission ended in a tragedy, he was glad that he got to get out of the compound.

The ride back was muted, everyone was still reeling with the thoughts of what just happened and while Sam was distantly aware that he should pay respect to the recently deceased, he only could think about Tony.

Right now there was no reason to pretend; he had every right to be shaken and upset and he took full advantage of that. His breath shuddered with every intake and he closed his eyes to hold back the tears.

Tony had asked him for a divorce and Sam had agreed. He had signed the damn papers instead of fighting for his husband. Ex-husband.

God, that thought hurt, it tore at his heart and Sam felt sick with it.

He banged his head into the wall, to get the thoughts out, but of course it didn't work. The only thing it did was alert Steve.

"Stop it, Sam," he admonished him, voice tired and shaken. "It's not your fault."

Sam wanted to yell at him, tell him that indeed it wasn't, it was Steve's, _all of this was Steve's goddamn fault_ , but Sam knew that that was unfair and not even true.

Sure, Steve had come along and brought this mess to him, but it was Sam who had dived in head first, who had put Steve and Bucky over everyone, who had just seen someone who had lost his friend and now had a chance to get him back.

Steve had lived through the same thing Sam himself had, but he had a chance to get his best friend back, and Sam hadn't even hesitated. Of course he would help.

And that has been his mistake. He had seen the parallels and he had done everything to help Steve, abandoning his own husband.

Tony's question's still rattled around his head. _'When was the last time you thought about me without me needing to fix something for you? When was the last time something in your life happened and you thought 'I need to tell Tony about that'? When was the last time you wanted to see me? When was the last time you wished our marriage wasn't a secret anymore?'_

Sam hadn't found an answer when Tony had confronted him and he couldn't find one now. And that, more than anything, showed him what a bad husband he had been.

He used to think about Tony all the time, wished every other day that their marriage didn't have to be a secret anymore, but that had changed somewhere along the line. And while it was easy, so easy, to pin the blame on Steve, Sam knew it wasn't true.

It was his fault, and his fault alone.

Even Tony had tried harder than him; he couldn't even claim that the two of them had a part in this.

Tony had called and texted and tried to meet, and Sam had brushed him off every damn time.

In the end, Tony just did what Sam had told him so often to do: protect himself. Take care of himself.

Sam chuckled at that thought, because he wasn't sure if he wanted to be proud of Tony or if he wanted to curl up and cry. Probably both.

"Sam, are you okay?" Steve's voice pierced through his thoughts and Sam reluctantly opened his eyes, only to find the team staring at him.

"What? Of course I am," he quickly said and Natasha raised an eyebrow, while Wanda looked like she wanted to punch him in the face. He wouldn't even stop her.

Steve was about to say something, but Vision announced that they were back at the compound and Sam gladly stood up. It wasn't like he had something to do other than wallow in his misery, but at least he could do it without the others watching him.

Sam quickly exited the jet, desperate to get away from the team, but it looked like everyone thought the same because they were all hot on his heels.

When Sam passed the living-room, Rhodey stepped out and nearly collided with him.

Sam took a step back, on pure instinct, but when he saw the fury in Rhodey's eyes, he took another step back.

Rhodey didn't even hesitate, he swung his arm back, and Sam saw it coming, of course he saw it coming, but he also didn't move.

Rhodey's fist connected with his jaw and there was strength behind the punch. Sam stumbled backwards, pain exploding in his face; his ears were ringing and everything went black for a second.

"How dare you?" Rhodey hissed at him and then the others were there.

Steve took Sam's elbow, snapping something at Rhodey, but Rhodey stared him down, didn't waver and in the end it was Sam himself who broke the tension.

"Don't, Steve," he managed, and god his head hurt. "I deserve it."

"You don't," Steve started but he was drowned out by Rhodey's piercing reply.

"Damn right you deserve it. That and so much more. I told you, I _warned_ you!"

Sam nodded, but regretted that motion when he felt sick.

"It wasn't his fault," Steve snapped and put himself between him and Rhodey. "If you want to punch something, you should punch me. It was my fault the mission went wrong."

Sam knew damn well that this wasn't what they were talking about but he also didn't make a move to clear it up.

"Oh, don't tempt me, Rogers," he said while his eyes narrowed and his hands clenched at his side. "Don't tempt me."

"Rhodes, don't," Sam managed and pushed Steve away. "It's alright, you can leave," he told the team and was met with concerned glances.

"I gave him one, he won't get another," Sam reassured them, even though he knew that wasn't true. Sure, this one he had seen coming, but Rhodey was as trained as he himself was, and there was no way to tell if Sam could block him. He probably wouldn't even try. He deserved this after all.

Steve stared at him a few seconds longer but when Sam held his gaze he finally nodded.

"Fine. But if there are more bruises on either of you we will have words."

"Understood," Sam tiredly said and Rhodey didn't even grace Steve with an answer; he just turned around and stormed into the living room.

Sam waited until everyone was gone before he followed Rhodey.

The second he closed the door Rhodey was in his face again.

"How _dare_ you?" he hissed in his face and Sam smacked the back of his head against the door.

"I don't know what happened," he whispered and closed his eyes. He wasn't about to defend himself; neither physically nor verbally. "I messed up."

"Damn right you did," Rhodey growled and took a deep breath.

"I haven't seen him like that since his parents died and he was just a teenager then," he told Sam who shrunk in on himself under these words.

"How is he?" he weakly asked and Rhodey scoffed.

"Like you have any right to know that. If you would have cared earlier you wouldn't be in this mess." Rhodey's voice was hard and unforgiving and Sam sighed.

"Just tell me if he is alright, please," he begged but Rhodey stayed silent.

"Is he drinking again? He told me he would cut it down, is he…"

"You absolute fucking hypocrite," Rhodey yelled in his face and smashed his fist next to Sam's head into the door. The wood vibrated under Sam.

"You also told him you would be there to _help_ ," Rhodey spat in his face and Sam fought back tears.

"I know," he whispered, and he distantly wondered if he sounded as tired as he felt.

"Well, congratulations for fucking him up like no one managed before, Wilson" Rhodey said and finally stepped away from him.

The sentence cut through Sam like a knife and it hurt worse than his face.

"Can I talk to him?" he slowly asked and Rhodey whirled around, fists already half raised again.

" _Can you talk to him_? Are you fucking _serious_ right now? If I can help it you will never be alone with him in a room ever again, less alone talk to him!"

Sam had known that Rhodey was protective of Tony, but still, this somehow came as a surprise.

"Please, if we could just talk, we can salvage this."

" _Salvage_. What exactly do you think you can salvage here? The documents are already approved and through. There is nothing to _salvage_ here. It's over."

"No," Sam desperately whispered. "I love him. We can work this out."

Rhodey took position before him, he practically towered over him with the way Sam slumped against the door and Sam couldn't even hold his gaze.

"Do you plan to step down from the Avengers?" Rhodey asked him and before the second question was even out, Sam knew that this was the same position he had been in with Tony four days before.

"Are you willing to let Steve look for Barnes by himself? Let calls go unanswered or at the very least tell him you are unavailable, like you did to Tony so often?" Rhodey asked and his voice was cold.

"I can't," Sam whispered. "I can't let Steve live through what I have been through," he said and when he closed his eyes he only saw Riley.

"Like it is even the same anymore," Rhodey scoffed. "We know Barnes is out there; it's only a matter of time before Steve finds him."

But he might not, Sam wanted to say but nothing came out of his mouth. Rhodey was right. There was no reason for him to still help Steve like he did. Barnes would come back or let himself be found, Sam was sure of that. But apart from that he had no answer for Rhodey.

"That's the wrong answer," Rhodey told him when the silence continued. "You know, I used to believe you when you said you would make him happy. That you would never hurt him. I remember how you got angry at the people who had hurt him in the past and I thought 'Finally Tony found someone good'. I have never been more mistaken. You are the worst of all of them."

Rhodey didn't give Sam the chance to answer that, _what could he possibly say to that_ , and instead roughly shoved him away from the door, and Sam stumbled, didn't even try to catch himself.

Rhodey gave one last look at him, nothing but hate in his eyes, and then he left.

Sam let himself drop down to the floor and then he pressed his hands to his eyes. God, he had fucked up badly.

He couldn't help but to replay their wedding, and then some random nights where they had been happy, so damn happy, but everything was overshadowed by their last conversation, the questions playing on loop in his head and Sam sobbed.

He had never wanted this. He loved Tony, still, and when they had gotten married, Sam had believed this would be their forever. And now he had made a mess out of everything.

In a way this hurt even worse than losing Riley, because at least there he had done everything he could and it wasn't like Riley had wanted to die. He hadn't wanted to leave.

But Tony, Tony had chosen this, had to choose this in order to protect himself, and that was what got Sam the worst, what hurt like yet another stab to his chest.

That Tony had to protect himself from him.

Sam really had fucked it all up.


End file.
